It was more of the same for the weekend, wanting to attend some shows in a comedy festival when I knew some friends I don't see that often would be in town. I did this after doing some errand running, such as checking my post office box and turning in change at the bank. I deposited over 14 dollars in savings, and once again the total value of the pennies was more than the nickels. And I know why, as I don't get nickels much as change, and I am willing to pick up pennies anywhere I see them. I printed some things at the library, and saw an RV in the parking lot that was offering legal advice, it was from a local law school. It was about advance care planning, and there is a 'tree logo' next to the title from Honoring Choices Minnesota. At some point I will look at it more closely.
I made it to the venue, where I first performed karaoke, after I was done at the library. I stopped at the adjacent CVS pharmacy to get what looked like Lunchables but had a different name as they weren't made by Oscar Mayer. I ate it quick and then went inside, and got a beer, and worked the room as many friends were there. One of them was the button, who did perform at this show. I know she likes doing karaoke and spoke of songs I had done before. I also spoke of getting ideas that I wrote down after the most recent performance. Sounds like she has done some of them or has heard others do them, like 'Break my stride' by Matt Wilder, or 'Eleanor Rigby' by the Beatles. Hard to say when I will be doing karaoke again, but I think I will like performing both.
This show was called 'The late late breakfast' as there was pancakes available. I did have one, but had to ask for them as it didn't get circulated out to me for whatever reason. I was sitting near the back. One of my photos was of the pancake next to my can of lone star beer. The premise I think I had seen before, at last year's festival. Each performer would pop a balloon and inside it would be what kind of comedy set to do. One of them, the button, was wearing sunglasses. Another, Tetris, was doing his set with his back turned to the crowd and looking at a mirror. It was a takeoff of Al Franken as Stuart Smalley on 'Saturday Night Live'. This of course meant something to me as I had played Stuart at a Saints baseball game this season. But the balloons had another use. When my friend, the puppeteer, was performing she had balloons tied to her wrists. Another performer, called Laundry, had Gummy Worms thrown at him during his set. Another was interrupted by constant New Year's Eve countdowns, called a '1999 theme' in reference to the Prince song.
I wanted to stay a little while to talk to friends after the show ended, but I was tired and knew it was best to go home and rest for a while since I wanted to get to another show in the evening. I had my meal at the Bobby and Steve's in Minneapolis as I like their little Godfather's pizzas and it was fairly close to the venue. At this second show the closer was Arizona Chicago, who I understand is now based in New York City. She was at the earlier show as well, but the pancake show was a 4-minute set for all. She had a longer one at the second show. I had heard some of the jokes before, but I still liked them as I don't hear intelligent humor as much as I would like. It was about things like Hobby Lobby, and the election. I liked seeing Grizzly Adams in the crowd, we spoke after the show and I found out he would be MC at the later show that I didn't attend. I hadn't seen Grizzly in a while. I was invited by the event coordinator to stay for that show, but turned it down as I had other things to do like go to the grocery store. In addition, it was a big deal this weekend that I attended 3 shows and didn't perform at any of them. But there were friends I wanted to see. I do like how I am more serious about performing than I was, which means I am showing up much less often now 'just supporting friends'. Some of them I think only show up if performing, so there is nothing wrong with having the same attitude as there is no substitute for stage time.
Being around people at this festival, for whatever reason, prompted me to philosophize some. I think this was also aided by seeing an online article this morning about the 18 best jobs for people who hate people. Some of these jobs wouldn't work for me, as they are blue collar and I would probably need plenty of training for it. But one of them made sense- poet, lyricist, creative writer. I know writing has been there for me when I needed it, a healthy way of sorting out any issues I was having. It may not have yielded answers though, as I recall many of my writings having questions that I couldn't answer. I don't think I necessarily 'hate' being around people, but there are many times when I am comfortable being alone. And I know why, as the life I have led explains it. Brawler pegged me well, saying I look like the type that has been messed with and now have the demeanor that says 'don't mess with me'. I know I still have a hard time trusting people for a while for this reason, until I know them for a while and feel accepted. And to me, call me crazy, but friendship means being respectful. But unfortunately, to some it means having a license to 'prank' friends, thinking they will be forgiven. At times I known I have been accused of being 'unable to take a joke'. Well not everybody knows about what I have been through! And I don't feel the need to tell everybody my life story either! And not everything is funny, especially if the joke is a mean one at my expense! I am reminded of a line from an Everclear song, 'Father of Mine', that says it well: 'I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame'. I know this is true for me, as I know myself well enough in terms of my tendencies.
I am pleased that somebody like my puppeteer friend is so thrilled to see me, and that we hug each time we meet. I wasn't used to this, feeling accepted that is. I've said before that 'we can't ignore who we are', and I am more comfortable with who I am than I was. This may make a difference on my interactions with people now- where I am more receptive to others. I've compared my time performing to my time at the office, how I have met some friends at both. But I have also met some people that I find to be annoying. But as our 'facility czar' said, that is called life. I think that would be true of most anything I would have done in life. I often speak of how I am ambivalent about things. I think this is called 'I've learned to take the good with the bad'. And I really didn't find any answers from going to therapists. Some, maybe. But those seem to pale in comparison to the ones I found out on my own. No therapist ever recommended that I try performing, I had to think of that one myself and find the courage to do that on my own.
I have seen therapists off and on in some form or another since age 12, if one counts guidance counselors. It is hard to recall some of those details, as it was so long ago. But I think I was under the impression that I had to go, and I hated the feeling of there being no option at all. Why, were they just thinking of their own interests of needing to stay busy and needing to be paid, and not my own? And did this lead to me becoming 'addicted' to therapists, because they created some dependency? I have spoke of being 'addicted to the drama' at times. But now I tell myself I can't watch my favorite movie, 'Good Will Hunting', that often because the drama in it can be a little too much for me. I can only take drama for so long before I start feeling sad. So I know well enough to avoid what are triggers to me, and that includes some sad songs as well. I can listen to them, but only when the time is right. Like 'Too Far Down' by Husker Du, or 'End of the world' by Skeeter Davis, which was in 'Girl Interrupted'. I know why 'interrupted' speaks to me, as I still think it is a miracle that I avoided being sent to a nuthouse. I have often wondered if I am mentally ill. Although I still don't understand why I knew somebody in college that once said 'I should be locked up' when I didn't do anything worthy of that. The way I dealt with any mental illness was usually deciding to avoid people. Even though we know some of the same people, thankfully I haven't had to see him for years. Hard to respect somebody who said this when he thought I wasn't listening. I was in another room, and I woke up and heard him say it. I think he is just plain judgmental, and not only with me, but there is no excuse for that.
I have said that performing still feels like a futile attempt to avoid landing in a therapist office, but I don't think it is fair to say it has been futile. I have been to a therapist only once since I started performing, and it really had nothing to do with performing. It was more about other issues I dealt with, as it was after my dating relationship (my longest to date) ending after more than two and a half years. And I was brave enough to say 'I have had enough' after two sessions as we were getting nowhere, and the therapist just didn't know how to counsel performers. So I take some pride in knowing when to quit a venture that wasn't worth my time, as I have to be my own advocate. I guess there was somebody at the office this year that was hand-picked to be a career advisor by somebody who had been for me, but was moving to another state. I am not even sure if it counts as a therapist, when he is not licensed to be one and it wasn't part of my Employee Assistance Program. It was definitely an unofficial, more informal, program. But there was some similarities to seeing a licensed therapist that I couldn't ignore. I liked the first dude, an Iowan like me and a performer like me, a jazz musician. But his successor was inept to say the least, constantly would 'run the light' and it felt like there was no substance to our discussion at all. And as I recall, I think he wanted to help me with joke writing, something I didn't need help with at all. I did cancel two sessions since then, but I had no choice if I was busy with more important things like my normal duties. Or needing to take a day off for car shopping. I haven't said much since then about it, as I have been getting my 'unspoken wish' at this point, that these meetings are over. It is not enough that somebody wants me there, I have to want to be there too. This is what I have learned from dating relationships as well.
As one song tells us, 'this is my fight song, take back my life song'. So I am proud of how I fight for myself way more than I did, although I prefer not having to at all to get where I need to. I've said before that I started fighting for myself as I had no choice, nobody else was. And I noticed how everyone else was fighting for themselves. And things mean more when they're not just being handed to me. It is a competitive world, I have to think about my own interests and protecting them when some I know full well aren't friends and don't have my best interests at heart.
I have spoken of some who 'restored my faith in people'. This was true of a classmate from high school. This friend was there for me when I felt broken after a disastrous dating relationship and I wanted to be bitter about it. I recalled there was a time when this friend pulled me put of an embarrassing situation, I was thankful for a 'Good Samaritan' but I also had to learn how I couldn't expect someone to intervene on my behalf all of the time when I needed it. I needed to be smart enough to know when to leave. This is why one of my favorite sayings now is 'I have had enough'. And there was a friend at the office, that is now a journalist, who I have said 'humanized' me. This would be 'my dear friend' or 'the peerless one'. Even with her, I said I was ready for a friend like that by then. Had it been earlier in life, I would have probably said 'get lost', thinking she was feeling sorry for me as I have never wanted anyone's pity. So I think I am trying to say that my puppeteer friend arrived in my life at a time when I as ready for that kind of friend as well. Since I had weathered some storms by then and had found a way to 'get myself well'. And one of those things was deciding to quit torturing myself like I had been for too long. And quit whining about being dealt a 'bad hand of cards' by life. And about being 'orphaned' by my verbally abusive parents. I said I learned to have a high regard for my former boss and mentor in suburban Chicago, who wouldn't give up on me but also wouldn't put up with my whining. 'I can't do it' wasn't true- 'I won't do it' was. My life wasn't over, it was only beginning. Life isn't a sprint either, it is a marathon. So what if I got off to a slow start!
I have done my best to keep track of how often I have that 'how right I was' feeling. Some may call it a 'self-validating moment'. It has been way more often since I started performing, as I am out doing things. And also because I understand it is my life now. I am reminded of poetry I once wrote that I still may have somewhere, that was directed to my family. Basically saying 'I am an adult now, it is my life, I am fine with being able to sink or swim on my own'.
I have made mistakes that were due to lack of maturity. I don't make these mistakes like I did, but I still deal with the mental anguish of knowing I need to be mature and how difficult that still can be for me. It is not an automatic thing like it should be, even though I find a way to get there, as it is hard to internalize any bad feelings that I have. Basically, I suffer alone with this issue as I don't want to bother anyone with something that I know can be hard to understand. I know well enough to be mature when handling disappointments and rejection, but I know I am haunted by the times I wasn't, explaining the 'mental anguish' or I sometimes call it 'old data'. I have a hard time forgetting things, with a mind like mine. There are a lot of things I wish I could forget. I think about how I am struggling or battling some issues, things that shouldn't be a problem anymore, but it is still better than what I was doing. I would avoid them and not confront things, then wondered why I wasn't getting the results I wanted. Of course I wasn't if I was fine with forfeiting all the time! Life is tough at times, but as a local writer said, one can't stop living just because life can be tough. And some may have had it tougher than me, for all I know. Now I tell myself 'I've got this' more often than I did. It is all about confidence, which I lacked for a while. I know I did say 'I know well enough to go with my strength' to the button about singing karaoke. Some might call it 'arrested development', I know I have before. I have also learned that I don't need to struggle alone, as others might understand if I trust them enough to say something.
I don't know what I am trying to say, other than I know I have made some great strides in my life due to performing. For one thing, it gave me a circle of friends that I was lacking. I found a place where I belonged, after feeling like a misfit for way too long. And I like how I do it for ME, and only me, when for too long I tried to live my life to please others and ended up pleasing no one. It meant parting ways with people that were like poison to me, even if they were family. I have said it before how it makes a world of difference when one is around like-minded people that are encouraging me. I know it meant ending the attitude of 'be perfect or quit' as that was unhealthy. I know this is why I often say 'close enough' now. I've learned that I can't afford to be afraid of nearly everything, as life is really about 'the sum total'. I once had a boss that knew I liked baseball, and reminded me it was wrong to be upset about each and every failure. So I struck out, if I learned something then it wasn't a complete failure. I know I'm good when I decide to complete, and avoiding things because 'I'm just not good at it' means I forgot about how I wasn't good the first time I did most things. It's called being a rookie! You live, you learn! And asking for help doesn't make one weak. Comedy may have not been the first time I had a chance to learn these lessons, but I was more receptive to learning them by then. I didn't want to live with the pain of regret like I had been. So I am all right, nobody worry about me. As it was said in a Kenny Loggins song.
I made it to the venue, where I first performed karaoke, after I was done at the library. I stopped at the adjacent CVS pharmacy to get what looked like Lunchables but had a different name as they weren't made by Oscar Mayer. I ate it quick and then went inside, and got a beer, and worked the room as many friends were there. One of them was the button, who did perform at this show. I know she likes doing karaoke and spoke of songs I had done before. I also spoke of getting ideas that I wrote down after the most recent performance. Sounds like she has done some of them or has heard others do them, like 'Break my stride' by Matt Wilder, or 'Eleanor Rigby' by the Beatles. Hard to say when I will be doing karaoke again, but I think I will like performing both.
This show was called 'The late late breakfast' as there was pancakes available. I did have one, but had to ask for them as it didn't get circulated out to me for whatever reason. I was sitting near the back. One of my photos was of the pancake next to my can of lone star beer. The premise I think I had seen before, at last year's festival. Each performer would pop a balloon and inside it would be what kind of comedy set to do. One of them, the button, was wearing sunglasses. Another, Tetris, was doing his set with his back turned to the crowd and looking at a mirror. It was a takeoff of Al Franken as Stuart Smalley on 'Saturday Night Live'. This of course meant something to me as I had played Stuart at a Saints baseball game this season. But the balloons had another use. When my friend, the puppeteer, was performing she had balloons tied to her wrists. Another performer, called Laundry, had Gummy Worms thrown at him during his set. Another was interrupted by constant New Year's Eve countdowns, called a '1999 theme' in reference to the Prince song.
I wanted to stay a little while to talk to friends after the show ended, but I was tired and knew it was best to go home and rest for a while since I wanted to get to another show in the evening. I had my meal at the Bobby and Steve's in Minneapolis as I like their little Godfather's pizzas and it was fairly close to the venue. At this second show the closer was Arizona Chicago, who I understand is now based in New York City. She was at the earlier show as well, but the pancake show was a 4-minute set for all. She had a longer one at the second show. I had heard some of the jokes before, but I still liked them as I don't hear intelligent humor as much as I would like. It was about things like Hobby Lobby, and the election. I liked seeing Grizzly Adams in the crowd, we spoke after the show and I found out he would be MC at the later show that I didn't attend. I hadn't seen Grizzly in a while. I was invited by the event coordinator to stay for that show, but turned it down as I had other things to do like go to the grocery store. In addition, it was a big deal this weekend that I attended 3 shows and didn't perform at any of them. But there were friends I wanted to see. I do like how I am more serious about performing than I was, which means I am showing up much less often now 'just supporting friends'. Some of them I think only show up if performing, so there is nothing wrong with having the same attitude as there is no substitute for stage time.
Being around people at this festival, for whatever reason, prompted me to philosophize some. I think this was also aided by seeing an online article this morning about the 18 best jobs for people who hate people. Some of these jobs wouldn't work for me, as they are blue collar and I would probably need plenty of training for it. But one of them made sense- poet, lyricist, creative writer. I know writing has been there for me when I needed it, a healthy way of sorting out any issues I was having. It may not have yielded answers though, as I recall many of my writings having questions that I couldn't answer. I don't think I necessarily 'hate' being around people, but there are many times when I am comfortable being alone. And I know why, as the life I have led explains it. Brawler pegged me well, saying I look like the type that has been messed with and now have the demeanor that says 'don't mess with me'. I know I still have a hard time trusting people for a while for this reason, until I know them for a while and feel accepted. And to me, call me crazy, but friendship means being respectful. But unfortunately, to some it means having a license to 'prank' friends, thinking they will be forgiven. At times I known I have been accused of being 'unable to take a joke'. Well not everybody knows about what I have been through! And I don't feel the need to tell everybody my life story either! And not everything is funny, especially if the joke is a mean one at my expense! I am reminded of a line from an Everclear song, 'Father of Mine', that says it well: 'I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame'. I know this is true for me, as I know myself well enough in terms of my tendencies.
I am pleased that somebody like my puppeteer friend is so thrilled to see me, and that we hug each time we meet. I wasn't used to this, feeling accepted that is. I've said before that 'we can't ignore who we are', and I am more comfortable with who I am than I was. This may make a difference on my interactions with people now- where I am more receptive to others. I've compared my time performing to my time at the office, how I have met some friends at both. But I have also met some people that I find to be annoying. But as our 'facility czar' said, that is called life. I think that would be true of most anything I would have done in life. I often speak of how I am ambivalent about things. I think this is called 'I've learned to take the good with the bad'. And I really didn't find any answers from going to therapists. Some, maybe. But those seem to pale in comparison to the ones I found out on my own. No therapist ever recommended that I try performing, I had to think of that one myself and find the courage to do that on my own.
I have seen therapists off and on in some form or another since age 12, if one counts guidance counselors. It is hard to recall some of those details, as it was so long ago. But I think I was under the impression that I had to go, and I hated the feeling of there being no option at all. Why, were they just thinking of their own interests of needing to stay busy and needing to be paid, and not my own? And did this lead to me becoming 'addicted' to therapists, because they created some dependency? I have spoke of being 'addicted to the drama' at times. But now I tell myself I can't watch my favorite movie, 'Good Will Hunting', that often because the drama in it can be a little too much for me. I can only take drama for so long before I start feeling sad. So I know well enough to avoid what are triggers to me, and that includes some sad songs as well. I can listen to them, but only when the time is right. Like 'Too Far Down' by Husker Du, or 'End of the world' by Skeeter Davis, which was in 'Girl Interrupted'. I know why 'interrupted' speaks to me, as I still think it is a miracle that I avoided being sent to a nuthouse. I have often wondered if I am mentally ill. Although I still don't understand why I knew somebody in college that once said 'I should be locked up' when I didn't do anything worthy of that. The way I dealt with any mental illness was usually deciding to avoid people. Even though we know some of the same people, thankfully I haven't had to see him for years. Hard to respect somebody who said this when he thought I wasn't listening. I was in another room, and I woke up and heard him say it. I think he is just plain judgmental, and not only with me, but there is no excuse for that.
I have said that performing still feels like a futile attempt to avoid landing in a therapist office, but I don't think it is fair to say it has been futile. I have been to a therapist only once since I started performing, and it really had nothing to do with performing. It was more about other issues I dealt with, as it was after my dating relationship (my longest to date) ending after more than two and a half years. And I was brave enough to say 'I have had enough' after two sessions as we were getting nowhere, and the therapist just didn't know how to counsel performers. So I take some pride in knowing when to quit a venture that wasn't worth my time, as I have to be my own advocate. I guess there was somebody at the office this year that was hand-picked to be a career advisor by somebody who had been for me, but was moving to another state. I am not even sure if it counts as a therapist, when he is not licensed to be one and it wasn't part of my Employee Assistance Program. It was definitely an unofficial, more informal, program. But there was some similarities to seeing a licensed therapist that I couldn't ignore. I liked the first dude, an Iowan like me and a performer like me, a jazz musician. But his successor was inept to say the least, constantly would 'run the light' and it felt like there was no substance to our discussion at all. And as I recall, I think he wanted to help me with joke writing, something I didn't need help with at all. I did cancel two sessions since then, but I had no choice if I was busy with more important things like my normal duties. Or needing to take a day off for car shopping. I haven't said much since then about it, as I have been getting my 'unspoken wish' at this point, that these meetings are over. It is not enough that somebody wants me there, I have to want to be there too. This is what I have learned from dating relationships as well.
As one song tells us, 'this is my fight song, take back my life song'. So I am proud of how I fight for myself way more than I did, although I prefer not having to at all to get where I need to. I've said before that I started fighting for myself as I had no choice, nobody else was. And I noticed how everyone else was fighting for themselves. And things mean more when they're not just being handed to me. It is a competitive world, I have to think about my own interests and protecting them when some I know full well aren't friends and don't have my best interests at heart.
I have spoken of some who 'restored my faith in people'. This was true of a classmate from high school. This friend was there for me when I felt broken after a disastrous dating relationship and I wanted to be bitter about it. I recalled there was a time when this friend pulled me put of an embarrassing situation, I was thankful for a 'Good Samaritan' but I also had to learn how I couldn't expect someone to intervene on my behalf all of the time when I needed it. I needed to be smart enough to know when to leave. This is why one of my favorite sayings now is 'I have had enough'. And there was a friend at the office, that is now a journalist, who I have said 'humanized' me. This would be 'my dear friend' or 'the peerless one'. Even with her, I said I was ready for a friend like that by then. Had it been earlier in life, I would have probably said 'get lost', thinking she was feeling sorry for me as I have never wanted anyone's pity. So I think I am trying to say that my puppeteer friend arrived in my life at a time when I as ready for that kind of friend as well. Since I had weathered some storms by then and had found a way to 'get myself well'. And one of those things was deciding to quit torturing myself like I had been for too long. And quit whining about being dealt a 'bad hand of cards' by life. And about being 'orphaned' by my verbally abusive parents. I said I learned to have a high regard for my former boss and mentor in suburban Chicago, who wouldn't give up on me but also wouldn't put up with my whining. 'I can't do it' wasn't true- 'I won't do it' was. My life wasn't over, it was only beginning. Life isn't a sprint either, it is a marathon. So what if I got off to a slow start!
I have done my best to keep track of how often I have that 'how right I was' feeling. Some may call it a 'self-validating moment'. It has been way more often since I started performing, as I am out doing things. And also because I understand it is my life now. I am reminded of poetry I once wrote that I still may have somewhere, that was directed to my family. Basically saying 'I am an adult now, it is my life, I am fine with being able to sink or swim on my own'.
I have made mistakes that were due to lack of maturity. I don't make these mistakes like I did, but I still deal with the mental anguish of knowing I need to be mature and how difficult that still can be for me. It is not an automatic thing like it should be, even though I find a way to get there, as it is hard to internalize any bad feelings that I have. Basically, I suffer alone with this issue as I don't want to bother anyone with something that I know can be hard to understand. I know well enough to be mature when handling disappointments and rejection, but I know I am haunted by the times I wasn't, explaining the 'mental anguish' or I sometimes call it 'old data'. I have a hard time forgetting things, with a mind like mine. There are a lot of things I wish I could forget. I think about how I am struggling or battling some issues, things that shouldn't be a problem anymore, but it is still better than what I was doing. I would avoid them and not confront things, then wondered why I wasn't getting the results I wanted. Of course I wasn't if I was fine with forfeiting all the time! Life is tough at times, but as a local writer said, one can't stop living just because life can be tough. And some may have had it tougher than me, for all I know. Now I tell myself 'I've got this' more often than I did. It is all about confidence, which I lacked for a while. I know I did say 'I know well enough to go with my strength' to the button about singing karaoke. Some might call it 'arrested development', I know I have before. I have also learned that I don't need to struggle alone, as others might understand if I trust them enough to say something.
I don't know what I am trying to say, other than I know I have made some great strides in my life due to performing. For one thing, it gave me a circle of friends that I was lacking. I found a place where I belonged, after feeling like a misfit for way too long. And I like how I do it for ME, and only me, when for too long I tried to live my life to please others and ended up pleasing no one. It meant parting ways with people that were like poison to me, even if they were family. I have said it before how it makes a world of difference when one is around like-minded people that are encouraging me. I know it meant ending the attitude of 'be perfect or quit' as that was unhealthy. I know this is why I often say 'close enough' now. I've learned that I can't afford to be afraid of nearly everything, as life is really about 'the sum total'. I once had a boss that knew I liked baseball, and reminded me it was wrong to be upset about each and every failure. So I struck out, if I learned something then it wasn't a complete failure. I know I'm good when I decide to complete, and avoiding things because 'I'm just not good at it' means I forgot about how I wasn't good the first time I did most things. It's called being a rookie! You live, you learn! And asking for help doesn't make one weak. Comedy may have not been the first time I had a chance to learn these lessons, but I was more receptive to learning them by then. I didn't want to live with the pain of regret like I had been. So I am all right, nobody worry about me. As it was said in a Kenny Loggins song.
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