passions and influences

went to a comedy club tonight and it was for another edition of the contest, liked seeing many people i know. one of them is a youngster that just finished his first year of college, and he took second tonight. he had a great joke about family sections at baseball games. it's usually no problem separating the good comics from the lackluster ones. i had hoped another friend would advance on but it is very competitive, i like his jokes about his son, and another which ends with 'no, grandma'. i would have made it there much earlier tonight, but i spent about 20 minutes trying to find my 'comic card', getting me in free. i did find it, then kissed it.
    i was offered free tickets to an advance screening of a movie at the same mall, but it is wednesday night and i have a scheduling conflict, a date. otherwise it would have been a great idea. i had done an advance screening before, seeing the original 'shrek' when i lived in suburban chicago.
   i was excited about showing my letter to the editor to friends, it evenutally reminded me of my influences in writing. these people helped me make it my passion, by pushing me. one of them, mrs. jarchow, was a high school teacher, who said 'you can do better' and was right. the other was a college instructor, named natasha, a grad student/teaching assistant. she did an 'interpretation of literature' section. her comments at the start of one of my writings was 'state it with conviction!' and she was right. i must have been trying to justify or apologize or explain my argument too much, and if it's a good enough argument you won't need to.
      i also remember her well as she was a sweet woman and was a little affectionate with me, putting her hand on my shoulder once when i was meeting with her after class. it felt nice, but also foreign to me. for those who wonder what happened after that, nothing did. those who have read previous postings know why it felt foreign. i didn't learn about love at all from my family, as it and affection was largely absent when i was younger. this is why i was fine with being 'adopted' by families more caring than mine. i am fine with being affectionate now, when i care about somebody enough. i definitely like hugging some of my female colleagues that became friends.
     while it might be nice to find out what this instructor is doing now, i'm not sure it it's a good idea. i did that with one college classmate that i had asked out, then lost the nerve to call her back when she called me. i was an idiot! but i was also lost then, wasn't ready for a relationship due to the self-esteem problems that had plagued me and refused to admit, let alone do anything about. i found out she had a doctorate, and was married. and i then sent her a letter, saying you might remember me. did i even consider how she felt? no. she might have blamed herself for why i failed to call back, i don't know. but i also learned that it does no good to keep pining over missed opportunities, and sulking about wasted time spent on the sidelines. this is why i'm going to make the most of it on this first date tomorrow.