Eugene O'Neill

I had a DVD on loan from the library and decided to take the time to watch it today, since I had the day off from work. It was a documentary of Eugene O'Neill, the playwright. I had heard of him before, since he was mentioned in a display at the Herbert Hoover Presidential Museum in West Branch, Iowa. O'Neill was one of the famous people of the 1920s, the time when Hoover took office. I was captivated by the story, he would be best described as 'brooding'. In many ways this describes me as well, likely why it resonated with me so much, along with how I have a passion for writing. It was kind of sad to hear how some of his greatest recognition came posthumously, with 'Long Day's Journey Into Night'. I had heard of 'Iceman Cometh', unfortunately it was due to comedian Andrew Clay once calling his routine 'Diceman Cometh'.
   I did some cleanup and rearrangement around my home, it meant laying down some rugs I had bought and getting another one. Now I have 6 of them, didn't have any until just over a month ago. I like the way things look here a little more, but some items will have to be tossed at some point. As the saying goes, if you haven't used it in a while you probably don't need it.
   I like how I'm still searching for answers, still willing to learn. Sometimes one just needs a little luck, where timing meets just plain paying attention. This happened tonight, when I was driving in my car I heard the end of a remix to Lady Gaga's 'Just Dance', one I was trying to find. It prompted me to look again on Youtube  later on, and I FOUND it! My experience with computers is the type of search makes a difference on the results that it yields. I was going under the performer, wasn't finding it. So this time I tried the song title. It is a remix with Kardinal Offishall, I liked his song 'Dangerous' before since I caught the reference to a basketball defense (everything locked like a 2-3 zone). Still makes me chuckle to hear him say 'everybody likes Gaga, if you don't believe me ask your baby father'. I like how I can pick up many of the pop culture references in rap songs, they're clever. Same is true with a Pitbull song 'Shut It Down'- 'undefeated, Don Shula'- referring to the last undefeated NFL team, the 1972 Miami Dolphins, coached by Shula.
   Some of the matches with online dating are ramping up, at the same time others are fizzling out. The date from Sunday fizzled as expected, already got a response from her saying 'we're not a good match, and good luck'. Similar to 'thanks for playing', what a losing contestant hears on a game show. It no longer bothers me, as at least I'm trying now. Still trying to learn lessons from each failure, in this one it was be more sure of myself when I talk. She said I wasn't doing that. I can still be nervous on first dates, don't know why. I keep saying how being onstage at comedy clubs has helped my confidence. I know one ex suggested that I pretend I was onstage- when I'm with her. I think I will try to use this advice more often.
   I expected to hear it, which was why I had already used her in my routine when I got to 'online dating isn't going well'. When I went to put my arm around her after the movie was over she immediately said, 'well, it's been nice'. I've found that body language doesn't lie, even said so to her when I closed the match for her. Same is true with at the end of dinner when she asked if I was still up for a movie, I asked why and she said she was tired. Yeah, tired- of being with me! We held hands before the movie, I like doing that, but noticed she had her arms crossed during the movie, again I was reading her body language.
    The conversations just didn't flow like they should. I hate to use an example of a good friend of mine from work, but I can recall how it was more than TWO YEARS before I felt the need to correct her. I enjoyed her company enough that I didn't feel the need to. We didn't always see the same way politically, but I was willing to look past it. When we did discuss politics, I asked that we avoid hitting below the belt. I was willing to be dilpomatic with her.
   I'm still trying, and maybe the next match will go better. I spent too much time on the sidelines, sulking about missed opportunities, and I'm not going to do that again. Same was true about being socially weak, and being too self-conscious. I just plain lacked confidence, and my friend from work was right. Sometimes one has to fail a lot, and understand why they did, before they figure out how to succeed. I've noticed I understand better how a device works when it doesn't work. It's because I need to figure out how to get it working again.